The Historian: I looked at my life and I choked

So, as I implied a bit earlier, I've been sort to figure out what I want to do with my life . . . at least for the next bit of it. And in this economy, when everything seems so uncertain, that really opens up options, oddly enough. It's difficult to tell what you really want, because everything seems possible. I could work hard and earn a few more degrees, or I could become . . . an organic vegetable farmer. Or start working with horses. Or be an actress. Or sell quilts on the side of the road. The most frustrating/amazing question right now is . . . why not?

And furthermore, do I want the conventional options because it's what I want, or what I feel is expected? How do you scrounge up the courage to just do something that sounds so crazy and implausible, and difficult? Where does that strength come from? Sometimes I think I can do anything in the world . . . but most days, I have doubts.

I'm attempting to set goals for myself. Schedule things out . . . even creative endeavors. Think about X for this many hours, this many minutes. If you can't come up with something, don't beat yourself up about it, just move on and do something else.

A few weeks ago, I met up with a very dear friend. We hadn't seen each other in awhile, having been scattered to the wind post-graduation, so we chose a spot between our two residences and drove out to see each other. After spending four hours in a Starbucks (I'm a Green Level member), we decided that we should go to the local Civil War battlefield. At a certain point in the South, every town has a battlefield. But I find the Civil War increasingly interesting . . . it held such an impact on every aspect of American life and was so destructive, but out of it (eventually) grew an incredible age of progress and innovation.

This is really what I'm finding most enjoyable these days. Just wandering around, finding interesting things, and photographing them. I've starting to see pictures everywhere, even when I don't have a camera in my hands. I don't know if it's wishful thinking or what, but it's something to consider, I guess. And all of a sudden, I really enjoy meeting strangers and going out and doing things sounds really interesting. I've always been a bit more content to stay at home by myself and do nothing . . . I suppose that because that's all I ever do these days, it's rather lost its appeal.